From the Saturday, Oct. 1, editions of The Daily Journal (Kankakee, Ill.) and The Times (Ottawa, Ill.) …

Sparking Chicago’s Great Baseball Fire

The WISCH LIST

Oct. 1, 2011

With a combined winning percentage of .463 – or should that be a combined losing percentage of .537? – the 2011 baseball season wasn’t exactly one that the Cubs and White Sox will frame to hang above their fireplaces for posterity.

Although, I suppose it could make for some nice kindling.

Not that Chicago will need it. After all, the windfall of on-field struggles and front-office sideshows on both sides of town should provide plenty of fuel for a sizzling Hot Stove League this winter.

And to help spark baseball’s Great Chicago Fire, I had a few thoughts about the Cubs and White Sox that I wanted to share today …

A South Side burnout

Earlier this week after Ozzie Guillen had managed his last game for the White Sox and general manager Kenny Williams bid him a less-than-fond farewell, a friend of mine wrote: “The strangest part of all this is that at the end of this lost season, the Cubs are somehow not the most dysfunctional Chicago baseball team. Go figure.”

Go figure, indeed.

Rational people can disagree about who’s more at fault in the White Sox’s broken home – Guillen or Williams – but I’d argue that it doesn’t really matter. Ozzie taking his talents (and temper) to South Beach was simply for the best.

It was time.

Now, that doesn’t mean I don’t consider Guillen to still be a talented manager (I do). But I’ve always viewed him as someone you can only take so much of, as well as someone who can only take so much of you. And I think that after eight topsy-turvy seasons, White Sox players likely had seen – and heard – enough. They’d tuned Ozzie out.

The big question is, without Guillen – and perhaps free agent Mark Buehrle – will Sox fans tune in to watch the team in 2012?

And will any of them will actually come out to the ballpark?

A North Side turnout

If you hadn’t noticed, the Cubs have issues, too.

They already need a new general manager (hire Tampa’s Andrew Friedman). They’re going to need a new manager (hire Ryne Sandberg). And signing a bunch of new players wouldn’t hurt, either (start with Prince Fielder).

But if the Cubs aren’t careful, some day they’re going to need a new ballpark, too. Because Wrigley Field won’t stand forever, you know – not without some major work.

So far, the Cubs have struck out when asking for state funding to help rehab Wrigley, even though I think the franchise deserves its share of cash. After all, tax dollars have been spent to build new facilities for both the White Sox and Bears, and the Cubs generate more tourist revenue than either of those two franchises.

In any case, that’s why I found the idea posed this week by Chicago Tribune columnist Phil Rosenthal to be so interesting.

“Heaven knows Cubs fans are invested in their team and in the baseball shrine it calls home, Wrigley Field,” Rosenthal wrote. “So why not actually, you know, let them invest?”

The notion Rosenthal pitched involved the Ricketts family separating the ballpark from the team, at least on paper, and then selling shares of Wrigley Field to fans to help finance its rehab.

Even if it’s an investment that doesn’t pay off in profits, I think Cubs die-hards would jump at the chance to “own” Wrigley Field. And the fan support likely would help convince state lawmakers to kick in some cash, as well.

Wrigley isn’t just the Cubs’ treasure, after all. It’s a jewel for the city and state, as well.

Now, if they can just find a better team to put on its diamond.

Today’s newspaper column from The Daily Journal (Kankakee, Ill.) and The Times (Ottawa, Ill.) …

The Best of the Wurst: Oktoberfest in Chicago

The WISCH LIST

Sept. 24, 2011

As the oldest family-run restaurant in Chicago, the Berghoff Restaurant is part of history. But it wasn’t until last week that the Loop’s 110-year-old, German-themed institution tried to make history.

By grilling a sausage stretching nearly 50 feet long.

On Sept. 15, during its 26^th Annual Oktoberfest celebration in Federal Plaza, the Berghoff targeted the Guinness World Record for the Midwest’s Longest Brat with a 47-foot, three-inch sausage.

The bratwurst, which weighed 40 pounds, required eight grills to cook and was placed inside a 50-foot bun, was then sliced up into 135 sandwiches. And in less than 20 minutes, every last bite was sold, raising more than $1,000 for the Mercy Home for Boys and Girls, which provides mentoring programs for more than 700 young men and women in the Windy City each year.

To help kick off the Oktoberfest season in Chicago, I made it to the Berghoff gathering just in time to purchase a piece of the record-breaking brat (it was delicious) and then wash it down with a draft of Berghoff Beer (it was too).

But, while you may have missed your chance to make history, that doesn’t mean you can’t still dine like a Sausage King in Chicago, where Oktoberfest is still going in strong for the next couple of weeks.

Sept. 24-25: Oktoberfest in Lincoln Square

Perhaps Chicago’s most popular celebration of all things autumnal and Germanic, Lincoln Square’s Oktoberfest – located at the corner of Southport and Lincoln avenues – dedicates its proceeds to St. Alphonsus Roman Catholic Church. And the festivities actually take place both inside and outside the historic church, which was originally built in 1897 in what was then a predominately German neighborhood.

Running from 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. tonight and 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. on Sunday, the festival features food (of course), beer (ditto), live music and, on from 11 to 2 on Sunday, a “Kinderfest” for children.

While you’re in the area, also consider swinging by the nearby Chicago Brauhaus (4732 N. Lincoln Ave.) for some additional Bavarian beer, cheer and dancing to the sounds of the restaurant’s famous Brauhaus Trio.

For more information, visit chicagoevents.com.

Sept. 30-Oct. 1: Oktoberfest at Timothy O’Toole’s

Timothy O’Toole’s might be an Irish pub best known for its hot wings and a location that buries it beneath street level in Streeterville at 622 N. Fairbanks Court, but that doesn’t mean the place can’t put on a great Oktoberfest.

The bar’s two-day bash (11 a.m. to 2 a.m.) features 25-ounce Hacker-Pschorr drafts, raffles, giveaways and German food specials such as brat burgers and Viennese beef goulash.

For more information, visit timothyotooles.com.

Oct. 1: Oktoberfest at Frontier

Known for its gamey fare that includes quirky entrees such as wild boar chops and duck tacos, you can also count on Frontier – located at 1072 N. Milwaukee Ave. in West Town – to serve up an Oktoberfest menu with an equally unique twist.

And from 10 a.m. to 3 a.m. on Oct. 1, you can dine on the likes of buffalo schnitzel and wild boar bratwursts. Make sure to also save room for the soft pretzels with ground mustard and cheddar spread.

For more information, visit thefrontierchicago.com.

Oct. 7: Oktoberfest Brew Cruise

In Chicago, Oktoberfest isn’t just about beer. It’s also about water. And beer.

At 7:15 p.m. on Friday, October 7, you can board the Shoreline Oktoberfest Brew Cruise at the Ogden Slip at Navy Pier and take a 90-minute water tour of Lake Michigan while sipping microbrews from Leinenkugel and munching on snacks catered by Harry Caray’s.

For more information and pricing, visit shorelinesightseeing.com.

This weekend’s newspaper column from The Daily Journal (Kankakee, Ill.) and The Times (Ottawa, Ill.) …

Big House on the Prairie (Avenue)

By Dave Wischnowsky

The WISCH LIST

Sept. 17, 2011

In 1836, Darwinism was born and Betsy Ross died. Down south, Arkansas was named the 25th state and up north, Wisconsin was declared a territory. In Washington, Martin Van Buren rose to the presidency, while in Texas, the Alamo fell to Santa Ana.

And on the southern outskirts of the fledgling prairie town of Chicago, Henry B. Clarke built a house.

Today, that building – called the Clarke House – still stands as the oldest home in Chicago, built one year before Chicago was even incorporated. And last weekend, during the 5th Annual Festival on Prairie Avenue, it celebrated its 175th birthday.

While I didn’t bring a cake, I did head down to 1800 S. Prairie Ave. in the South Loop on Saturday to give the Clarke House – described by a tour guide as a “Greek Temple once dropped in the middle of nowhere” – my regards, while also regarding the decadently rich history of the neighborhood in which it resides.

But before we get to the Clarke House’s neighborhood, let’s first home in on the house itself, which, quite remarkably, has managed to survived two fires, two moves and darn near two centuries to preserve a fascinating piece of Windy City history.

Its owners, Henry and Caroline Clarke, originally came west from upstate New York to seek their fortune. When Henry found it in the wholesale business, he built a home on 20 rustic acres around present-day 16th Street and Michigan Avenue, from which the Clarkes wrote that they could see Native American campfires in the distance.

In 1872, the Clarke children sold the house (separate from the land) to Chicagoan John Chrimes, who moved it away from the noise of the city by rolling it on logs three miles south to Wabash Avenue and 45th Street.

There it stood until 1977 when the City of Chicago purchased it and decided to move it back to the Prairie Avenue Historic District, near its original location. To do so, though, the entire two-story home – towering Greek columns and all – had to be lifted over the Green Line “L” tracks, which hadn’t existed a century prior.

In a marvel of mechanics, the house was raised on hydraulic jacks. And on Dec. 4, 1977, one minute before midnight, all train service was stopped as the house was pulled across the tracks. It was then set on a new foundation and restored as a museum, which offers guided tours of its age-old luxury Wednesdays through Sundays at noon and 2 p.m. For more information, visit ClarkHouseMuseum.org.

Just as interesting as Clarke House, though, is the area surrounding it, as leafy Prairie Avenue was once considered the ritziest address in all of Chicago.

By the mid-1870s, the city’s three wealthiest men – Marshall Field, Philip Armour and George Pullman – all resided on the street, which became known as the mainstay of 19th-century Chicago society with its lavish dinner parties and receptions.

In 1882, Mrs. H.O. Stone of 2035 Prairie hosted a reception for author Oscar Wilde at her home. Later that same year, John Doane completed his residence at 1827 Prairie, establishing the first house in Chicago to be illuminated with electric lights.

In 1886, Marshall Field hosted at his mansion a “Mikado Ball,” a lavish party reported to have cost $75,000 – the equivalency of about $1.8 million today. And by 1893, the same year Chicago’s Columbian Exposition opened largely through the efforts of Prairie Avenue residents, journalist Everett Chamberlain identified a whopping 77 millionaires living on the street.

How many live there today, I couldn’t say. But exploring the Clarke House and its beautiful historic neighborhood?

It’s still worth a million bucks.

Today’s newspaper column from The Daily Journal (Kankakee, Ill.) and The Times (Ottawa, Ill.) …

Field Museum’s new 9/11 exhibit moving — in more ways than one

The WISCH LIST

Sept, 10, 2011

With its dimly lit exhibit halls and quiet corridors, I’ve always considered Field Museum to be the most somber of Chicago’s cultural institutions.

So, it seemed fitting when I learned last month that Field would play host to an exhibit marking the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. And it felt just as fitting on Labor Day when I visited the museum for “Ground Zero 360°” to both honor and reflect upon one of the most tragic days in our nation’s history – and certainly one of the most memorable of my life.

I can still vividly recall how 10 years ago today, on Sept. 10, 2001, I was sitting with three college friends in the Wrigley Field bleachers as we watched the Cubs on a balmy, late-summer night.

After the game, I said goodbye and hopped in my car for the drive back to Ottawa, where I was then working at The Daily Times as a 25-year-old sports reporter. While cruising down the interstate beneath a canvas of stars and with our national pastime on my mind, the calendar rolled over to Sept. 11 and all seemed pretty much right with the world.

Until, of course, the next morning when it all went wrong.

At about 7:30 a.m., I strolled into the newsroom, flipped on my computer and began to put together that day’s sports section. About 20 minutes later, though, I recall an “URGENT” alert coming across the Associated Press national wire, reporting that a plane had struck one of the World Trade Center towers in New York.

Like many, I initially assumed that it was just an odd accident. But, within minutes, I knew that wasn’t true as the wire’s floodgates opened and startling alerts began spilling out at a dizzying pace.

Planes had been hijacked. Both Trade Towers were ablaze. The Pentagon was smoldering, and another plane had crashed into a field in Pennsylvania.

Our nation was under attack, and Americans were dead. A lot of them. And over the next couple of hours, I counted as the AP filed 80 consecutive stories and alerts focusing solely on the terrorist attacks. None of them, though, struck me with more force than the one that read, both simply and inconceivably: “World Trade Center South Tower has collapsed.”

Monday, at Field Museum, “Ground Zero 360°” immediately returned me to the sadness of that day when I encountered a wall emblazoned with reproductions of missing person fliers posted by loved ones after 9/11.

With the faces of innocent victims smiling at me, I read messages as straightforward as: “Steve Lillianthal, employer – Cantor Fitzgerald, brown eyes and hair, goatee, 5’7”, 225 pounds,” and as detailed as: “Last heard from: 9/11/01 at 9:23 a.m., Bill [Kelly] e-mailed from the 106th floor of World Trade Center Building 1 that he could hear firemen approaching.”

Another one simply read, “Have You Seen My Daddy?”

“Ground Zero 360°,” which opened Sept. 2 and runs through Jan. 1, portrays the story of 9/11 and the days immediately following from the perspectives of a New York City police commander and a photojournalist. But what it really does is evoke your own personal perspective and memories of 9/11 as you study the previously unpublished photographs of the destruction, listen to the recordings of panicked police radio chatter from Ground Zero and even touch pieces of metal and granite that were once part of the Trade Towers.

For anyone who loves America, the exhibit is sure to move you. But, not just in the ways you might think.

Because, with photos from June of the sparkling 1,776-foot Freedom Tower now rising in Lower Manhattan, “Ground Zero 360°” does a 180° – and also inspires.

From the Saturday, Sept. 3, editions of The Daily Journal (Kankakee, Ill.) and The Times (Ottawa, Ill.) …

Dishing deep about Pequod’s, Chicago’s “best” pizzeria

The WISCH LIST

Sept. 7, 2012

Early this year on an episode of FOX’s well-intentioned, but slightly off-key cop series “The Chicago Code,” the show’s junior detective attempted to pick up a nurse by “proving” he was a true Chicagoan with the odd declaration that there’s a citywide consensus about the best pizza place on Chicago’s North Side.

There isn’t.

Rather, just like absorbing tax hikes, dodging potholes and waiting ’til next year, the debate over the premier pizza parlor in the Windy City is one of Chicagoans’ eternal struggles.

The best taste in the town depends on, well, your taste. But that, of course, doesn’t stop outlets from saying they know the truth.

On TV, that young detective claimed Chicago Pizza And Oven Grinder Co. is the North Side’s best. Two years ago, GQ Magazine went so far as to declare that Great Lake Pizza serves the tastiest slices in all of America. And, now, last month, Food Network Magazine threw its napkin into the fray, tapping Pequod’s Pizza as having the premier pie in the entire Land of Lincoln for its feature, “50 States, 50 Pizzas.”

Considering that “The Chicago Code” was canceled (in part because it never seemed to quite know Chicago) and that I already visited Great Lake Pizza last December for a (delicious) taste test and column, it was Food Network Magazine’s claim about Pequod’s that piqued my interest – and my appetite – this past week.

So, intrepid reporter that I am, I took it upon myself to visit the restaurant so I could get my fill of its fare – and fill you in on the quality of the latest slice to stake a claim to Chicago’s pizza throne.

“There are endless deep-dish pizzas in Chicago, but this sports bar serves one with a twist,” Food Network Magazine wrote about Pequod’s, located at 2207 N. Clybourn Ave. in Lincoln Park. “The pies are baked in well-seasoned, cast-iron pans lined with a sprinkling of mozzarella, so when the pizzas come out of the oven, they have a crust of crispy, salty, caramelized cheese.”

Now, normally, I’d add a few other ingredients into my pie, such as sausage, onion and green peppers, but Food Network Magazine said not to bother.

“(The crust) is so captivating that toppings are an unnecessary distraction,” the article claimed, “A simple cheese pie is the way to go.”

And so I went with that advice when I strolled in to the dimly lit restaurant filled with cozy booths and tables between a pair of long, exposed-brick walls. Established in 1970 and named after the fictitious 19th-century Nantucket whaleship upon which Captain Ahab chased the white whale in Herman Melville’s 1851 classic Moby-Dick, Pequod’s atmosphere is as warm as its food.

There was no word on whether Ahab was a pizza fan, but I imagine he would have enjoyed a slice of Pequod’s cheese, which actually seemed almost meaty thanks to thickness of the chunky, juicy tomato sauce slathered on top.
“It’s simple pizza,” the food critic website seriouseats.com wrote about Pequod’s fare back in July. “About as plain as a deep dish gets, but its crust is one of the best in the city. There is nothing gourmet about the pizza at Pequod’s, and there is no single ingredient we can point to as being close to the best in Chicago. But the way everything comes together is simply magical.”

Now, magical enough to be the best pizza in Illinois?

Well, who knows. But, really, when it comes down to it, does it truly matter? Pequod’s indeed is worth going out of your way for.

And I wouldn’t say that about every Chicago pie.

Today’s newspaper column from The Daily Journal (Kankakee, Ill.) and The Times (Ottawa, Ill.) …

Shopping for something to do in Chicago?

The WISCH LIST

Aug. 27, 2011

Some people believe that the best cure for a hangover is a Bloody Mary. So, perhaps, it isn’t all that off-the-wall what Chicago is prescribing this month as a remedy for the recession.

Retail therapy.

This weekend, the Windy City (M.D.) launches “The Magnificent Mile Shopping Festival,” which is being billed as “the first shopping festival of its kind in the nation.” The event actually kicked off at 5:30 a.m. on Friday morning in Pioneer Court with Carson Kressley of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” fame headlining and giving away a $5,000 shopping spree to one lucky bargain-hunter.

If you missed that early bird start, the festival runs through Sept. 8, meaning that your credit card still has plenty of time to get a workout along one of the world’s most famous shopping avenues.

Throughout the two-week event, appearances by fashion designers, athletes and other celebrities are scheduled at shops along Michigan Avenue, as well as a variety of in-store celebrations and promotions. The fest’s intent is to focus on five categories: fashion and beauty, lifestyle, culinary, technology and culture.

No sports. Sorry, fellas.

For more information and a full schedule of events, you can visit themagnificentmileshoppingfestival.com.

However, if shopping the Mag Mile doesn’t fit your bill – or your bills – there’s plenty else to do in Chicago as August rolls over into September. Here are a few events to keep in mind …

September 1-4: Chicago Jazz Festival

A Labor Day Weekend tradition for 33 years, the Chicago Jazz Festival is the longest running of the city’s lakefront music fests. It again will bring some of the world’s best jazz musicians into town for performances at the Chicago Cultural Center (78 E. Washington St.) and in Millennium Park and Grant Park.

Let’s hope the grass at the latter has recovered from rain-soaked Lollapalooza.

Admission is free, and highlights include the “Saxophone Summit” on Sept. 2, vocalist Cassandra Wilson on Sept. 3 and two-time Grammy Award-winning trumpeter Roy Hargrove on Sept. 4.

For more information, visit chicagojazzfestival.us.

September 14-16: The Berghoff Oktoberfest

Originally opened in 1898, The Berghoff (17 W. Adams St.) is the oldest family-run restaurant in the Loop. And from 11 a.m. to 9 p.m. on Sept. 14 through Sept. 16, it will hold its 26th annual Oktoberfest at Federal Plaza on the corner of Adams and Dearborn streets. Admission is free.

This year’s event will feature classic Bavarian-style German food, beer and live entertainment. But, most deliciously, it will also include an attempt to break the Midwest record for the longest bratwurst by unveiling a 45-foot sausage on Sept. 15, between 3 and 5 p.m.

Eat your heart out, Abe Froman.

Bites of the brat will be sold on Sept. 15 as a fundraiser for Mercy Home for Boys and Girls.

For more information, visit theberghoff.com.

September 23-25: Chicago Gourmet 2011

For those who consider the Taste of Chicago to be too pedestrian for their palates, there is Chicago Gourmet 2011.

Held in Millennium Park and considered the city’s more upscale food extravaganza, the event features culinary samples and demonstrations from some of Chicago’s best chefs, including Rick Bayless, Graham Elliot Bowles and Stephanie Izard. There also are sommelier-led wine seminars for vino fanatics.

Like shopping on Michigan Avenue, however, the event isn’t cheap. Admission is $150 per day, while two-day passes are $250. Food seminars are included with each ticket.

Other ticket prices include, $175 for the Grand Cru event and $75 for the Hamburger Hop. Ticket holders must be 21, although children 5 and under can attend for free with a paying adult.

For more information, visit explorechicago.org.

Today’s column from The Daily Journal (Kankakee, Ill.) and The Times (Ottawa, Ill.) …

Cubs’ Zambrano predicament was a real ‘Jim Dandy’

The WISCH LIST

Aug. 20, 2011

They’ve long been known as the Lovable Losers.

But the Chicago Cubs don’t love losing quite as much as you might think.

For example, since just 1980, 28 Major League Baseball teams have lost at least 100 games in a season. The Kansas City Royals alone have done it four times. The Tampa Bay Rays have done it three. But, somewhat remarkably, the Chicago Cubs haven’t turned that ignominious trick in 45 years.

Yes, not since 1966, when the team went 59-103, have the Cubs dropped at least 100 out of 162. A couple of weeks ago, when they were losing 10 of 15 following the All-Star Break, it looked like they just might make it. But, now, the Cubs are on pace to lose only about 90 or so, putting the century mark just about out of reach.

(Hold your applause.)

That said, considering their rampant organizational chaos and relentless on-field ineptness, I still think this might be the worst Cubs team of all-time – even if they don’t lose 100.

After all, as a longtime Chicago baseball scribe pointed out to me late last month, “That ’66 team had (Don) Kessinger, (Glenn) Beckert, (Billy) Williams, (Ron) Santo, (Ernie) Banks, (Randy) Hundley, (Fergie) Jenkins, (Ken) Holtzman – and even (HOF pitcher) Robin Roberts. And (manager) Leo Durocher.

“This Cubs team has … Blake DeWitt.”

And, for that, we can thank general manager Jim Hendry.

You might recall that just three years ago, the Cubs almost won 100 games (for the first time since 1935) when they went 97-64 and reached the playoffs for the second consecutive season.

Give Hendry all the credit in the world for building that ballclub (even if it again fell short of the World Series). But give him all the blame for what’s happened since, as well.

Last weekend, after Carlos Zambrano returned to his patented bad boy behavior by getting ejected in Atlanta, clearing out his locker and even claiming he was retiring from baseball, Hendry placed the perennial hothead on the 30-day disqualified list. That means Big Z, who now says he doesn’t want to retire, will go without pay and won’t be allowed to be with the team through Sept. 11.

“This was the most stringent penalty that our club could inflict without a release,” Hendry said. “There’s not much worse than running out on your teammates in the middle of a ballgame, unpacking your locker, announcing your retirement. I think that is a tremendous problem with the other 24 guys, and something we as an organization could not tolerate.”

But the organization simply could not tolerate Hendry any longer, either, and Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts proved that on Friday when he dismissed his GM. Because, this whole Zambrano debacle isn’t truly about Carlos. Not in the grand scheme of things. It really was about Jim.

After all, Hendry is the guy who signed Zambrano to a $91.5 million deal in 2007. And he’s the guy who signed Milton Bradley to a $30 million deal in 2009. And the guy who signed Kosuke Fukudome to a $48 million deal in 2008. And the guy who signed Alfonso Soriano to a $136 million deal in 2006.

He’s also the guy who gave Zambrano, Soriano and Aramis Ramirez full no-trade clauses. Need I go on?

What all of that adds up to is that there was no excuse for Hendry to return in 2012. Just like there’s no excuse for Zambrano to be back, either. Quite simply, this winter, Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts needs to give his franchise the kind of housecleaning that Zambrano already gave his locker.

He’s off to a good start by making sure that Jim Hendry has now “retired” as GM of the Cubs.

From the Saturday, Aug. 13, editions of The Daily Journal (Kankakee, Ill.) and The Times (Ottawa, Ill.) …

Ozzie makes himself safe at home – on the North Side

The WISCH LIST

Aug. 13, 2011

During his career in Chicago, Ozzie Guillen has been called a lot of things.

Some of them are even fit for a family newspaper.

As the mercurial manager of the White Sox, he’s been called a loud mouth. And he’s been called a champion. Ozzie has been called a lunatic. And he’s been called a baseball genius.

But, I’m pretty sure that he’s never been called a hipster.

Until now.

That’s because, last week, news broke that Guillen sold his three-bedroom townhouse on Chicago’s Near West Side for $610,000, and shelled out $1.95 million for a 6,163-square-foot, newly constructed, contemporary-style house in Bucktown, one of two (gasp) North Side neighborhoods – along with adjacent Wicker Park – known as bastions for Chicago’s counterculture crowd.

Think snarky twentysomethings wearing skinny jeans, fedoras and thick-rimmed glasses, of which most probably prefer the Cubs.

That is, if they know much of anything about baseball at all.

(You can practically hear the 47-year-old Guillen’s blood pressure whistling like a teapot from here.)

In Chicago, word of Ozzie spending big bucks to matriculate to Bucktown was surprising enough that it sparked RedEye, the city’s commuter-targeted morning newspaper, to ask local residents what advice they would give their hot-headed new neighbor.

“Take it easy,” 28-year-old Gabriel Eigen suggested. “Don’t get upset about stuff. Chill.” Meanwhile, Temi Torres, 26, added, “Don’t talk as much. Keep it short and sweet. There’s a lot of Cubs fans over here. I would tell him just come and go, try to stay low key.”

Yeah, and Ozzie might give up Twitter, too.

“He should probably buy a bicycle,” 28-year-old Matt Paprocki chimed in. “I feel like that would be my first tip if he’s moving to this area. He’d fit right in. I’d say a vintage Schwinn.”

If he gets one, Ozzie could take late-night bike trips to buzz doorbells and prank the many Cubs players who have their own posh pads spread out in neighborhoods throughout the North Side.

For example, pitcher Ryan Dempster, who always appreciates a good joke, has two homes near Wrigley Field – one of them listed for $1.9 million – that Ozzie could choose from. Right nearby is Jeff Samardzjia, who paid $710,000 in 2008 for a condo along the trendy Southport corridor, just west of Wrigley.

Before he was dealt to Cleveland, Kosuke Fukudome was residing in a $1.44 million condo downtown in Streeterville. But that’s chump change when compared to the $2.65 million one that Alfonso Soriano bought in the same neighborhood back in 2006.

Since 2005, Aramis Ramirez has lived in a Gold Coast condo that he purchased for $937,500. Meanwhile, Carlos Zambrano owns homes in both River Forest and West Lakeview, having spent $1.2 million for the former in ’06 and $2.66 million for the latter in ’08.

All of those homes, however, pale in comparison to the $3.32 million Lincoln Park mansion that Kerry Wood splurged for three years ago. However, not even Wood’s estate is as big an expenditure as the $1.7 million, 17-room, 7,400-square-foot house – with six-and-a-half baths and an elevator – that Cubs reliever Sean Marshall bought in north suburban Lincolnwood earlier this year.

Marshall, mind you, has made only $1.7 million so far in his entire career.

(Don’t fret for him too much, though. He’s guaranteed $3.1 million next season.)

Now, Guillen’s realtor claims that Ozzie relocated to the North Side because he simply “wanted a bigger house.” But perhaps the embattled manager, who’s been rumored for other jobs in 2012, has a different reason for moving onto enemy turf.

Maybe he’s hoping to manage the Cubs.

And, you know, bike to work.

From the Saturday, Aug. 6, editions of The Daily Journal (Kankakee, Ill.) and The Times (Ottawa, Ill.) …

Just winging it at Shedd Aquarium

The WISCH LIST

Aug. 6, 2011

On any given day, Chicago is for the birds.

Walk along a downtown street and you’ll discover (and dodge) packs of pecking pigeons. Take in a game at Wrigley Field, and you’ll likely mingle with (or, perhaps, be outnumbered by) a flock of seagulls. Or head to any public park, and you can hear tweets all day long (no Twitter account necessary).

But of all the feathered friends – and occasional fiends (yes, pigeons, I mean you) – that you can find in Chicago, it’s considerably more difficult to come face-to-beak with, say, a penguin.

Or, at least, it used to be.

These days, however, thanks to the Shedd Aquarium’s unique “Penguin Encounter” experience, spending some time in the Windy City with the best dressed of all the birds is now easy.

And two weekends ago, that’s just what I did – along with my girlfriend, who’s something of a penguin enthusiast.

Turns out, she’s hardly the only one, as four other couples also waddled in to Shedd that day from as far away as Wisconsin and Ohio just for the unique opportunity to spend 30 minutes buddying up to one of the aquarium’s affable penguins.

The “Penguin Encounter” – which adds to Shedd’s “Extraordinary Experiences” lineup that also includes Behind-the-Scenes Tours, a chance to be a “Trainer for a Day” and the “Beluga Encounter” – is limited to 10 people at a time. And as we patiently waited to begin, not one of us really knew what to expect.

Neither did my Facebook friends, one of whom issued a warning about the “Penguin Encounter” beforehand, offering the message: “Beware of his umbrella. It’s a weapon.”

After strapping on my utility belt (not really), a pair of Shedd employees led our group into the bowels of the aquarium, where we did slip on rubber boots, just in case of an accident (penguins might wear tuxes, but they don’t wear diapers).

We then took seats in a designated alcove, as a Shedd staff member asked, “Does anyone know what kind of penguin you’ll be meeting today?”

“A black-and-white one,” replied one smart aleck (not me).

It was, of course. But to be more specific, we met a two-year-old female Magellanic Penguin, who was wheeled up inside a plastic-encased cart – the “Popemobile,” the trainer called it – and introduced to us as “401.”

Because Shedd has more than 30 penguins, the aquarium identifies the animals by numbers rather than names. But 401 didn’t seem to mind. Her species hails from coastal South America, stands about two feet tall and weighs between six and 14 pounds.

And doesn’t exactly eat like a bird.

We learned that Magellanic Penguins can devour between 60 to 80 fish a day when molting. And 401 gobbled about a dozen during just her 30 minutes with us.

As she happily waddled about the alcove, Shedd’s trainer answered questions and then held 401 as everyone got the opportunity to stroke the feathers on her back (surprisingly soft) and her wing (surprisingly rough). When our half-hour was up, 401 stood proudly on a box and mugged for photos, leaving each of us with a memento from an encounter that was, well, quite extraordinary.

Just try getting a pigeon to do that.

Offered year-round on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, Shedd’s “Penguing Encounters” are currently offered daily through Sept. 5. Children must be at least 4 years old, and kids up to 11 must be accompanied by a paying guardian. One chaperone is required for each 4- to 6-year-old.

To book an encounter, call 312-692-3355. Prices are $59.95 for adults, $50.95 for children. More information is available at sheddaquarium.org/extraordinary.

Today’s column from The Daily Journal (Kankakee, Ill.) and The Times (Ottawa, Ill.) …

The Lollapalooza tips you need to know

The WISCH LIST

July 30, 2011

It’s most commonly known as Chicago’s “front yard.” But come next weekend, Grant Park will be more like the city’s playground.

Or, maybe its garage.

You know, depending on what kinds of bands you’re into.

Next Friday through Sunday (Aug. 5-7), the Windy City will again play host to the sprawling music extravaganza that is Lollapalooza. Since 2005, the annual festival – which was originally conceived in 1991 by Jane’s Addiction singer Perry Farrell – has made its home in Chicago, where it’s under contract to be staged through 2018.

This year, the headliners for the sold-out 20^th anniversary Lollapalooza include the likes of Muse, Eminem and the Foo Fighters. And this year, its expected 270,000 attendees will include the likes of me, as I’ll be taking in the festival for the first time.

To get myself – and you – up to speed on prepping for the ’Palooza, I sought out my friend Frank Grubich of Downers Grove. He’s been to each of the past four festivals in Grant Park and knows Lollapalooza like I know Wrigley Field.

In other words, really well.

Where to park

“I don’t even know if I should tell you this,” Frank said with a laugh when I inquired how gets to Lollapalooza from the southwest suburbs. “But I always drive in and then park at the Soldier Field underground lot (1410 South Museum Campus Drive).

“It’s only like $15 and a short walk over to Grant Park. And there’s hardly anyone there.”

With easy access via Lake Shore Drive to interstates I-90/94, I-55 and I-57, the lot is a quick escape for anyone from south of the city. So, sorry Frank, but your secret’s out now.

What to wear (and not to)

When asked the No. 1 thing that people should know about Lollapalooza, Frank instantly replied with the edict: “Wear walking shoes.”

He then added: “Everyone who goes for the first time is surprised at just how big Lollapalooza is (Grant Park does cover 319 acres). So, always give yourself ample time to get from one stage to another and wear walking shoes.

“The first year, my wife wore sandals and after half a day, she had blisters.”

To avoid blisters of a different kind (i.e., sun), Frank also recommended wearing sunscreen and a hat – a distinctive one, if you’re planning to meet up with people.

“It can really help for them to pick you out in a crowd,” he said.

Additionally, Frank suggested bringing some kind of mat to sit on, explaining that, “There isn’t a lot of grass on the park’s south end. And it can get muddy down there.”

Food and drinks

Lollapalooza is, of course, known for its menu of bands. But the fest is quickly becoming known for its culinary menu, as well.

For the third year, famed Chicago chef Graham Elliot is serving as the culinary director/mayor of Lolla’s “Chow Town,” which this year will feature 30 vendors serving “high-class, low-key fare.” For a full lineup of vendors, visit lollapalooza.com.

“The food is awesome, and they don’t gouge you on the prices,” Frank said. “They also have dishes there that they don’t even have at the ‘Taste of Chicago.’”

Water is also readily available throughout the park, including for free at many locations. Frank recommended bringing your own bottle that you can then refill.

Start up the bands

To navigate the festival, Lollapalooza offers a fantastic free iPhone and Android app, featuring a map, band schedules and much more. I suggest a download.

Frank, meanwhile, suggested a trio of lesser-known artists to check out: Delta Spirit (Friday), Lykke Li (Saturday) and The Joy Formidable (Sunday).

Oh and remember, wear walking shoes.

Party in the Park