When I was a senior in college, I fantasized about getting a job as a professional sleeper.

I was that good at it.

(Unfortunately, nobody was hiring.)

Joe, my roommate, on the other hand, was just the opposite of me when it came to sleep.

The poor guy had more nocturnal issues than The Night of the Living Dead.

During his junior year, for example, Joe would sleepwalk on a regular basis. That wasn’t so bad for him, I suppose (he never tripped). But, it was downright awful for Joe’s roommate who kept getting the bejeezus scared out of every time he woke up at 4 a.m. and found Joe at his bedroom doorway.

Just standing there.

In the dark.

Thankfully, Joe didn’t sleepwalk the next year when I roomed with him — or, at least, if he did he never ended up planting himself in my doorway — but that’s not to say that he didn’t have, well, a few other peccadilloes.

One night, Joe woke up i the wee hours of the morning and became positively convinced that — in the pitch-blackness of his room — someone was sitting in a chair in the corner of his room, staring at him.

For a good two hours, Joe told me the next day, he just laid in his bed — scared silent — as he tried to identify the intruder.

Which turned out to be his guitar case.

Later on that year, Joe got the bright idea to tape up an enormous poster of Jack Nicholson’s legendary “Heeeeeere’s, Johnny” scene from “The Shining” on his bedroom ceiling.

Directly above his bed.

Not surprisingly, after a couple of nights of nearly wetting the bed when he woke up flat on his back and saw Jack’s psychotic grin staring back at him in the dark, Joe took the poster down.

And put it on the wall behind his head, instead.

As goofy as my old roommate’s nocturnal hijinks were, however, not even he attempted something quite as wild as what the medical journal Sleep Medicine claims that a 44-year-old woman did one night while sleepwalking:

She sent Zzz-mail.

Or, perhaps, more specifically, Zzz-vites.

Because, according to the magazine Fortean Times, which looked into the case,  this woman reportedly logged on to her computer and e-mailed party invitations to friends that “were perhaps not up to the woman’s waking standard; each was in a random mix of upper and lower case characters, badly formatted and containing odd expressions. One read: ‘Come tomorrow and sort this hell hole out. Dinner and drinks, 4.pm. Bring wine and caviar only.’ Another said simply: ‘What the…’ ”

Party sounds kind of like a snooze to me, but nevertheless …

The doctors who authored the study for Sleep Medicine, went on to say that they “believe writing an email after turning the computer on, connecting to the Internet and remembering the password displayed by our patient is novel.

“To our knowledge this type of complex behaviour requiring coordinated movements has not been reported before in sleepwalking. She was shocked when she saw these emails, as she did not recall writing them. She did not have any history of night terr­ors or sleepwalking as a child.”

Then again, neither did another girl who I also knew during my senior year of college.

Nevertheless, she too, staged her own amusing stunt while sleeping as, after pulling an all-nighter in preparation for a final, she dozed off in class the next day right during the middle of her essay test.

Upon snapping back awake, this girl was amazed to discover that while snoozing she had scrawled the single word “YELLOW” in large letters on her exam.

Which just so happened to be the dominant color of her plush bedroom back home at her parents’ house.

And with that, I’ve got to say I’m green.

The color of my comforter.

G’night, everyone. Sleep tight, and don’t let the Zzz-mails write.

If you’re sick and tired of dating “fast-paced, two-faced, game-playing city slickers,” well, you’re in luck. There’s hope for you this Valentine’s Day, and it can be found right here.

Five Valentine’s Days have passed since I wrote the following. But the thing still holds up quite well today, if I do say so myself …

The Things We Do For Love

Feb. 13, 2004

It’s tomorrow, fellas.

Yeah, you know … Valentine’s Day.

Remember?

“You’ve never seen so many men in a Hallmark shop,” Dana Fuget, an employee at Kirlin’s Hallmark in Ottawa, Ill., said earlier this week about the store’s surge in male clientele during the days leading up to Feb. 14. “Two days before (Valentine’s Day), the day before …”

Some on the day of.

“Oh yeah,” Fuget said about those 11th-hour Romeos. “And some guys, you can sell them about anything … But a lot of them, they do know what they want.”

Apparently, they’re the lucky ones. Because, according to Regena Thomashauer, the proprietor of Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts in New York City, most men don’t have a clue when it comes to Valentine’s Day.

Recently, Thomashauer launched a toll-free “911″ hotline for the romantically-challenged (1-866-595-6832) where men — and women — can call for advice on what to do for their sweethearts on Feb. 14.

According to Thomashauer, the biggest question from men is, “What do women want, and why won’t they tell us?”

And the women?

They wonder, “How come he doesn’t know what I want?”

Good luck, everybody. Looks like you’ll need it.

In honor of Valentine’s Day, here are a few more of the outrageous, the quirky and the downright bizarre “love bytes” culled from a search of the Internet, wire services and newspapers from around the world …

Now, that’s puppy love

In Kailai, Nepal, a 75-year-old man lost all of his teeth — and then miraculously saw them grow back, in spite of his advanced age. Local custom dictates that when an old man regrows teeth, he must marry a dog to “avoid great misfortune.”

The man followed through — only to die just a few days later, leaving his pup a widow.

Don’t blow it, buy this …

For Valentine’s Day, the Circus World Museum in Baraboo, Wis., is hawking bouquets of bright red, long-stem noses for your sweetheart.

Yes, noses.

Think of the red rubber kind that clowns prefer.

“It’s saying, ‘I love you’ in a funny, fun way,” said Ed Taylor, spokesman for the museum, which attaches with each bouquet a note stating that, “These noses were picked especially for you.”

Am I the winner — or just a loser?

Last month on the online auction site eBay, an 18-year-old female college student in California put herself up for auction as an “imaginary girlfriend.”

The offer included four weeks of an “imaginary relationship,” during which she would mail a photo and write one love letter a week on perfume-scented stationery, detailing whatever the highest bidder wanted her to say.

“What this date does NOT include,” wrote the woman, “are real face-to-face dates, phone calls or much effort from you … After your time is up, you can ‘dump’ me with whatever crazy story you feel like.”

Winning bid: $53.00

And for your birthday, a can of Raid

As part of its Valentine’s Day adoption program called “Give Your Beauty a Beast,” the Ross Park Zoo in Binghamton, N.Y. is promoting hissing cockroaches as the perfect gift.

For $10, you can adopt a hissing cockroach for your sweetheart. The adoption includes a photo, cockroach fact sheet and a free pass to visit the little hisser at the zoo.

For those whose don’t feel that a cockroach says “I love you,” there are some romantic alternatives. The zoo has bearded dragons and black vultures available for adoption, as well.

Whatever you need to tell yourself

On Saturday in more than 40 countries, people will be celebrating International Quirkyalone Day as an alternative to Valentine’s Day.

Meant to be social gatherings for single people who believe in celebrating romance, friendship and the independent spirit, the events stress that they are NOT meant to be self-pity parties.

And they wonder why they’re overpopulated

According to the China Youth Daily newspaper, between 30 and 44 percent of all condoms on sale in China are defective.

Honey, you’ll never guess what I did today

In the Maylasian state of Terenggau, a law allows married men to take another wife — without even informing their first wife beforehand.

And monks are from Jupiter

Before he became an author, Dr. John Gray, 50, who wrote the best-selling field guide to understanding the opposite sex, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,” spent nine years living in the Himalyan mountains as a celibate Hindu monk.

This will be going on your permanent record

In China, match-making services have become a big deal with between 300 and 400 agencies in the nation’s Hebei province alone. But for those people wary of meeting strangers in such a way, service members can demand to see a person’s “behavior certificate,” reportedly issued by the person’s employer to ascertain his or her good behavior and character.

And people complained about Janet Jackson

The 2004 MTV Asia Awards will be held in Singapore on Saturday. With the date being Feb. 14, the event will naturally feature a Valentine’s Day theme.

In fact, scheduled to make several appearances during the awards show is a group of “student cupid” mascots.

Who it turns out are a bunch of burly, hairy and unkempt men.

Well, forget Atkins …

According to a survey published in an Italian health magazine, it’s love that will make you thin.

According to the February issue of Dimagrire (translated: Lose Weight) magazine, 8 out of 10 Italians find that a new love interest is the best way for both men and women to get in shape.

The slimming doesn’t last forever, though. For one-third of those surveyed, the pounds shed to impress their lovers do return.

When they get married.

Who needs Hallmark?

The Katong Flower Shop in Thailand is using a new technology that allows people to print a love notes on flower petals.

The florist offers a choice of four messages: “Happy Valentine’s Day,” “With All My Love,” “Be My Valentine” and “I Love You.”

Called “Speaking Roses,” the blooms cost twice the price of regular roses.

Now, if he can just find the cure for cancer

Turkish scientist Onur Gunturkun spent hours in airports, train stations and beaches in the United States, Germany and Turkey doing research for a study in which he discovered that 64.5 percent of couples tilt their heads to the right when they kiss.

If you don’t know, you probably aren’t

In a recent poll done by the International Mass Retail Association, 65 percent of Americans said they consider themselves romantic, while another one-third said they weren’t.

The rest said they just didn’t know.

Maybe it is easy being green

A poll in Malaysia recently asked 20 couples who they thought the world’s hottest onscreen lovers were.

No. 10 on the list was Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.

A Rocky Mountain low

Derek Monni, 33, of Denver, Colo. recently climbed to the top of a mountain along with his girlfriend, Debra Sweeney, intending to propose to her at the summit. Upon reaching the mountaintop, however, the couple accidentally dropped, and lost, the engagement ring while slipping it on Sweeney’s finger.

That would be the $11,450 engagement ring.

After this, he was a real bleeding heart romantic

A recent survey on DateableSingles.com asked women what was the least romantic gift they’ve received on Valentine’s Day. Runners-up included a Nordic Trac, a vacuum, a Black & Decker screwdriver and a broom.

But the winner?

Roses — with a card for another woman.

Doin’ it like they do on the Discovery Channel

In 1989, after noticing that the penguins get frisky every February, San Francisco Zoo penguin keeper Jane Tollini cut out paper hearts, decorated the penguin pool and put some Johnny Mathis music on the boombox. She then invited a select crew of colleagues to come over and enjoy the “show.”

Today, the zoo’s “Valentine’s Day Sex Tour” has become so popular that it’s a reservation-only affair with tickets that cost $40.

Uh, guys, stick to the stock market …

As an example of how to surprise your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day, the Wall Street Journal had this zany piece of advice:

“Champagne is perfect for Valentine’s day, of course, but the problem is that your valentine is expecting it. So this year, have a glass of champagne …

“And then surprise your valentine with a bottle of red Burgundy.”

I figure I know 1950s Rock ‘n’ Roll about as well as any guy my age.

After all, it’s the music that I grew up with.

From The King (Elvis Presley) to The Killer (Jerry Lee Lewis) to every Carl Perkins, Chuck Berry and Little Richard tunes in between, those were the songs that my dad — who still has an old vinyl record holder with “Go Cat Go” scrawled on the side — blasted at home every evening during my youth.

Because of his love for the music of that era, I can tell you that it was Cleveland disc jockey Alan Freed who coined the term “Rock ‘n’ Roll” in 1951, that Philadelphia DJ Joe Niagara was all the rage in 1957 spinning records at WIBG (pronounced Wibbage) and that Jerry Lee Lewis’ cousins are Mickey Gilley and Jimmy Swaggart.

I could probably even do the “Duck Walk” if you really wanted me to.

My father, now in his 60s, still claims on a regular basis that he’s living in the ’50s. And that was why five years ago this week, when I was features editor at The Daily Times in Ottawa, Ill., it was such a treat when my colleague, reporter Dan Churney, dug up a golden nugget of Rock ‘n’ Roll history in tiny Spring Valley (105 miles southwest of Chicago) that we were able to share with our readers.

As you may have already heard, 50 years ago today — Feb. 3, 1959 — was “The Day The Music Died,” when Rock ‘n’ Roll legends Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P. “The Big Bopper” Richardson perished in a plane crash in an Iowa cornfield. Many people know that at the time of the fatal accident the trio was en route to its next gig in Moorhead, Minn.

But not many know that after that, they were scheduled to visit Spring Valley.

And it’s there where, as you can read here, memories — and a faded newspaper advertisement — of the doomed trio still live on.